Dropping the Pa-pa-pa-Poker Face...

In the last 5 weeks, I have begun to notice my complete absense of filter. It's gone.

Like seriously gone. I pretty much say what I'm thinking. At all times. And I pretty much go full throttle into any smudge of a feeling that begins to bubble within. Like a little girl in a white dress running down a grassy hill, arms thrown back behind her, body going faster than her little legs can compete with, inevitable tumbles and grass stains moments away, I have thrown myself into the land of the filterless.

The plus side to this, of course, is embracing freedom. The down side? All those feelings. They'll getcha, man.

So...Why did this happen? I mean, I got through writing a play and a thesis without a single tear. Sure, anxiety got me good back in January, but once the actual work began, there was only work. And it felt good.

Well, maybe not good, but right. It felt right. Or maybe safe? Not sure. But it did NOT feel like running down a hill, ready to faceplant but not caring because the wind was breathing for you.

Then it occured to me. I've been playing poker non-stop for the last 3 years. I have been in a fierce game of politics with The Method and because he held the keys and disapproved of emotionality, I stopped. Publicly, at least. I held my cards close and tried to out-maneuver him...I never fully succeeded but my effort was valiant. I played his game, that's for certain. Which, to be honest, irks the bohemian within me greatly.

And now I'm done playing. For now, at least, since I have a brief reprieve of having to convince people in power to believe in me and my projects. Right now, when all I'm doing is choreographing and teaching kids' camps and managing a tap company, there's no game to play and no reason to be anything but filterless.

Which is a new kind of freedom I've not let myself experience in a very long time.

Here's hoping the grass stains wash out when the fall happens.