I lack total motivation

Usually I don't.  Really.  But I cannot make myself work on Hooferjackal to save my life.  I don't think I've touched a drawing in 5 days.  I have been spending my hours researching instead.  What is it about this book that I cannot work on?  Maybe because I feel like I'm done with it as far as I can get it.

BUT!  Then I should be working on Virgin Territory or Rikkie Recycle, right?  I think about them constantly and am writing notes on them in every random notebook I have and alas...they still remain unwritten.  What the hell?

This hasn't been a fun summer.  Or a get skinny or rich quick summer.  It hasn't been a summer of falling in love.  This is supposed to be a productive summer dammit!  What's wrong with me?

Two more virgin updates!

Mrs. Deutz å deux

In grade school, I had two teachers named Mrs. Deutz.  The first one came to me in first grade.  She told me I was a good writer and asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I told her I wanted to write children's books so my mom could draw the pictures and then I'd never have to spend a day away from her.  The first Mrs. Deutz said, which I remember in vivid clarity, "Nikki, I believe you.  I bet you really WILL be an author one day."  

The second Mrs. Deutz came to me in sixth grade, admittedly a naughty year for me.  I discovered the dangers of popularity that year.  I also discovered that inner realization that I was different than the people around me...which I bet everyone else was thinking about themselves too.  I was in trouble a LOT that year.  I got under her skin and I liked it.  I remember running into Mrs. Deutz a year later in the halls of Holy Redeemer and asking her where she was teaching now and she said to me (again another scarily clear memory), "I don't teach anymore.  I can't handle students like you."  I said I was sorry (but I didn't mean it at the time and she knew it).  She had the look of defeat in her eyes and she said, "I just hope you become a good person one day." The exchange haunted me for a long time afterward.  Kelli and I dissected that conversation for the rest of junior high in fact.

Today while working on Hooferjackal, I remembered Mrs. Deutz I for the first time in many years...and I realized that Mrs. Deutz I was right.  I was making good on who I said I'd be when I was six.  It felt good.  A few hours later, while working on Virgin Territory, I was researching definitions of innocence.  It made me consider when I had lost mine.  The memory of Mrs. Deutz II popped in my head...again, for the first time in years.  I lost my innocence in that hallway, when I realized that my actions had consequences and I felt true, honest, lasting regret.  The Id got kicked out of the driver's seat that day.  I owe them both a lot more than I realized...

It's hard out there for a genius--Thug Lex

lovelovelovelovelovelovelove

The other day God said to me, "The love in you is what fuels the universe. So every moment you choose to love, you are giving energy to everyone on the planet. See why it's important to love?" And I answered God by loving you even more.

Kelli's friend, Emily, wrote this on her blog six months ago and today I understood it.  I had a day of missing Ben, in between some really wonderful times and belly laughs with dear ones.  We were talking about love and about hurt and about all of that namby-pamby stuff in between.  I am having a hard time totally letting go...mainly because I've let go and forgiven all the bad and am only remembering all the good.  This doesn't change the fact that Ben and I don't work together healthily--but it makes it hard to remember why sometimes.  

So I've decided that maybe the best thing to do with all of this left-over love I have, I just spread it out to anyone who needs it.  First come, first serve.  Can you feel it?  

it's all happening...again

So...

I am finally coming back.

It's slow.

It isn't easy.

But it's all happening.

I am so grateful.

Thank you for your support, whether it be through energy or otherwise...

And here--for you Virgin Territory followers!

P.s.  Met with Tom Isbell yesterday to talk shop about the script and it was amazing!  I love teachers who never stop teaching!

See? Here's another one!

Iphigenia is haunting me!!

I am 11 months away from my thesis and already the process of creating her (yes, she's a girl) is seeping into everything!  I am seeing virginity and reactions to virginity everywhere!!!!

For instance on Wednesday, I was in Walgreens and saw on the cover of Cosmo: "Virgins in COSMO! (We never thought we'd see the day either"  Then I went to work and saw a pamphlet advertising the Jack Chick play, starring Jack Chick of Chik-a-filet fame with a comic reading :  "Not my brothers!  That's not fair!  Take my virgin daughter instead!"    That's just in one day!

So...anyone want to get interviewed for my thesis?  I'll take you all!  (Though admittedly there are about 8 people who read this blog or even know about its existence so...I know my audience.)

Also if anyone sees anything, share it with me!  I am gathering as much info as possible! Thanks!!

Back home...

I am in Duluth again and it's nice.  Kate, Joey and Lake Superior are definitely home to me.  

It's different though because I haven't been up here since Ben and I broke up.  This city is full of so many memories.  Pulling off the band-aid all over again...  When will it stop?  Will this ever get easier? Please?

The summer so far has been devoted to Hooferjackal and A.S.S--the Active Summer (of gettin') Sexy!  I am trying to reclaim my health and disclaim the 20 lbs I have gained this year.  It is a long, slow, hard, disheartening road.  But I'm glad I'm on it.  I feel like it will help me get back to me--all of me, the good me--at last after the last months of perpetually feeling at a loss or just totally lost.  So far I have gone back to Hot Yoga, Hot Yoga Sculpt, kettlebell, Reformer Pilates, Hip Hop class, and basic elliptical cardio work.  I am on a 7 workout a week schedule for 3 weeks now.  4 lbs gone but not much noticeable progress...frustrating!  But I am going to stick with it and see it through.  It's really important to me.  

that's all for now I suppose...

much love...

The first draft of Hooferjackal is completely finished and I sit here making copies for the various folk who need them.  

It's interesting.  What started as a small project to help Lex acclimate to socializing has turned into a beast overcoming a small family with financial means.  It has also become an exercise of artistic integrity versus economic need versus my love for Lex.  Lex is winning every time so far, but I must admit looking forward to two weeks in Duluth with my beloved theatre antics and my even more beloved Kate and Joey.  What this is right now is like an extended graduate assistantship with better money.  It just isn't what I thought it would be, but I so appreciate it as my summer job.