On the road again...

The henna is never leaving apparently and I am traveling again. It's Sunday 1pmish. I was on a bus less than 48 hours ago, leaving the Immersion. I went back to the city to spend some heart-to-heart time with my old college roommates. Now I am back on a bus, going to see another dear one, Allen. From there, I am back to the city for a little bit more living, then to Mankato to support my friend's thesis play, then to St. Cloud to repack for the fall, then back to Duluth. I finally received word today that I may potentially have a place to live when I get there. If not, I am sure something else will work too. It always does.

I just realized at the greyhound station that today marks my 4 month anniversary of suitcase living. I left Mankato May 12 and since then have been on the road, out of the back of a van, a jeep or a big suitcase. The amazing thing is that around month 3, it got to be too much and now entering month 4...it seems pretty natural. Subway stations are a pain with my 40 pound suit case, but other than that, I am learning a lot about myself. Like I need to pack even lighter. Which seems true on many levels. Less baggage is a good thing. And I've learned about the community that is out there. Cuz there is one if you want to be a part of it.

The irony is not lost on me that the same 4 months of true gypsy life have also coincided with 4 months in various stages of heartbreak for various reasons and loss of direction. While the previous March, April and first bit of May could easily be marked as the best of my life, life is a balance and these things happen. Besides I have always fancied a metaphorical life...

But while I can finally say is that as I write this from a crowded Greyhound bus full of strangers going their own path, I am most assuredly on my own. And it is right. And while I may not be necessarily "settling down" or "finding a new home" any time soon, I am coming out of the heartbreak finally.

And I AM at home in my skin. Which is going to have to be enough of a home for right now.

Om ouch.

I hurt. Everywhere today. Turns out when you are away from yoga for 4+ months, you shouldn't start back with a 4 hour class. Turns out.

In other news, I finally experienced the heart-above-head sensation that inversions are all about. Total body release. Tears out of nowhere in the middle of a 7 minute shoulder stand.

And I didn't even need to worry about what it looked like that I started crying in the middle of class because when you're sweating that hard, who can tell the difference?

On the flip side, I had to contend with the fact that I indeed have too much flesh to be able to really achieve the binds and twists that are most beneficial for organs. And that sucked. That sucked a lot. Too much yan, not enough yin--is how the teacher chose to put it, using the terms for femininity (soft stuff) and masculinity (muscle). Those tears were from a totally different place.

Om namah shivaya.

Away...

So I am breaking the rules right this minute. Shhhhh....

But here's the thing that I've just discovered about myself. While I have absolutely no problem keeping the crappy not-so-fun stuff to myself, I absolutely NEED to share the cool, exciting new stuff in my world!

I am 36 hours here at the Omega Institute doing a Jivamukti Immersion under the creators of Jivamukti. So far I have joined in an all night Ecstasy Chant (read: dance party to live music while singing along Hindi-style), taken classes on Bhagavad Gita and Kitran prayers and done multiple hours of really intense yoga. Childs pose finally felt like home and I almost got a good handstand on my own. That said, I failed final shivasyna as my mind wandered back to the details of life, of where am I going to live and what am I going to do, while the scripture was playing so I completely missed it. There's always tomorrow.

There are multiple meditation gardens and you have a 7-10 minute hike to every building you want to get to. I live in a dorm the size of the Jeep. There is no cell reception and I have to sign up for an Internet connection. The good news? I only get 10 minutes and I chose blogging over facebook. There's hope for me yet.

The population here is a little overwhelming especially when you consider that I have called Duluth home. Hippies are redefined here. While my Henna is a hit, I don't quite speak the language of barefoot Earth-greeters who all fiend for their next big stretch and elongated hug. My walls are showing.

I returned to my body today. My body is amazing. I haven't done yoga extensively since I began Virgin Territory and it remembered everything. I haven't even had a good stretch beyond hamstrings and hips at least since I opened the first Producers. My body remembers me. For that, I am glad.

Off to dinner--and my internet time is up--it's all vegan diet every meal. Oh yeah, and I cold-turkeyed all of my favorite things about 36 hours ago too and so far, again, my body is being kind to me. Thank Gods for the tea...

Next stop: clarity.....?

Back to...the Real World?

Is it? Really?

Just got back from KCMO. About to leave for the East Coast for the rest of the month before my contract up north begins.

When I come back, I hope to have some stuff figured out...cuz right now? NOPE.

Sending love...

Name-Dropping

Since I live with the most notorious name-dropper I've known...wait, that's not true, but close...I thought I might name drop a bit here. TODAY I pick up this guy and this guy from the airport. Just major Broadway stars. No big.

Brad Oscar and Roger Bart.

That will end the Jerry Jay Cranford portion of this blog. :)

This blog written by the President of the United States.

On July 19 some of Broadway's Best were invited to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue to perform as part of the White House Music Series. Nathan Lane, Elaine Stritch and Jerry Mitchell were just a few of the names that helped entertain the President, his family, and all the other West Wingers invited to the show.

Before the entertainment began, Mr. Potus shared a few words of his own about what Broadway means to him, and to the country.

And well, I think I'll just let him take it from here.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States. (You don't have to stand)

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, everybody. Everybody, please have a seat. Let’s put on a show. (Laughter.) Welcome to the White House. I am just thrilled, and I know Michelle is thrilled, to host the sixth in a series of evenings celebrating the music that helped to shape America.

Now, so far we have heard from some of the biggest names in jazz, in country, in Latin, classical, and the music of the civil rights movement. And tonight we are honored to be joined by some of the biggest and brightest stars on Broadway.

And I notice -- I should just point out that I see a lot of members of the New York delegation here. (Laughter.) They take great pride in Broadway. I want to start by thanking George C. Wolfe and Margo Lion for making this event possible. So please give them a big round of applause. (Applause.) And I want to thank all of tonight’s performers for sharing their gifts with us. They are just so generous with their time, and this will be a wonderful evening.

I also want to recognize my outstanding Secretary of Labor, Hilda Solis, who is in the house. Here she is right here. (Applause.) As well as the other members of the administration -- thank you guys for the hard work you do each and every day.

Thank you to the National Endowment for the Arts, and the President’s Council on the Arts and the Humanities for their continued support.

And I finally want to recognize Jerry Mitchell and everybody who participated in the dance workshop earlier this afternoon and helped inspire the next generation of performers -- as well as my wife -- to do a few dances. (Laughter.) She was showing off backstage.

Now, as we’re about to see this evening, there’s nothing quite like the power and the passion of Broadway music. At its heart, it’s the power of a story -– of love and of heartbreak; of joy and sorrow; singing witches, dancing ogres. Musicals carry us to a different time and place, but in the end, they also teach us a little bit of something about ourselves. It’s one of the few genres of music that can inspire the same passion in an eight-year-old that it can an 80-year-old –- and make them both want to get up and dance. It transcends musical tastes, from opera and classical to rock and hip-hop. And whether we want to admit it or not, we all have the lyrics to a few Broadway songs stuck in our heads. (Laughter.)

In many ways, the story of Broadway is also intertwined with the story of America. Some of the greatest singers and songwriters Broadway has ever known came to this country on a boat with nothing more than an idea in their head and a song in their heart. And they succeeded the same way that so many immigrants have succeeded -– through talent and hard work and sheer determination.

Over the years, musicals have also been at the forefront of our social consciousness, challenging stereotypes, shaping our opinions about race and religion, death and disease, power and politics.

But perhaps the most American part of this truly American art form is its optimism. Broadway music calls us to see the best in ourselves and in the world around us -– to believe that no matter how hopeless things may seem, the nice guy can still get the girl, the hero can still triumph over evil, and a brighter day can be waiting just around the bend.

As the great Mel Brooks once said, musicals “blow the dust off your soul.” So to everyone watching, both here and at home, here’s a taste of Broadway to help us do just that.

Thank you very much, everybody. (Applause.)

Disappearing...

Oh grad school is so busy! I have too much on my plate! I'll never catch up! I'll never have time to have a life or be happy or get it all done or do anything fun or reach my potential! Boo hoo!

Bullshit.

Life is busy. Not grad school. The last month of grad school from opening the show, writing a thesis, finals week, grad parties for 3 -4 weeks was the best summer vacation ever.

Today, August 4, marks the first day I have had time to go to a coffee shop, read a book and blog. And it's only because I am doing my internship in Kansas City which is ridiculously simple and only 8 hour days...so far. Working at this theatre under the realm as Assistant Director and living at Jay's posh house feels like the most relaxing vacation since finals week. I am loving it.

I realize a few things have occurred in the last 2.5 months:

1) I overboooked myself. Majorly. I started my 9th show of the summer yesterday. I started my first show the Monday after graduation. I have been so busy that it hasn't been enjoyable. During my thesis defense, my advisor (who by that time, I could have cared less about her opinion on anything--let alone, my life decisions) only said one thing to me: She said I needed to beware of overbooking or I would never enjoy anything. I walked out of the room thinking, why can't she give me one constructive thing to work on as a director, a scholar or an artist? What bullshit. It took me less than 3 months to eat my words on that one. This summer has been utterly exhausting and it's been my own fault since I refused to ever admit defeat to the calendar.

2) In the overbooking, I have lost touch with most everyone. I haven't seen Micah since I left and have only talked to him maybe 4 times. Jess, I have seen but only because they were in my Fringe show. I've seen my sister twice and she's my favorite person in the world--and it was only because of a funeral and then a wedding. Suz, I think I have seen 3 times and I have been in Minneapolis almost every weekend without EVER making it to a yoga class. Rhythmic Circus or Fringe ruled all of my time in my favorite city.

3) It was pretty stupid to obsess about the future. Everything falls into place. I am right this moment booked directing a show every month through next August. I am purposely taking September off for vacation and refueling though. But then I will go--White Christmas, The Fantasticks, Reasons to be Pretty, Chicago, Into the Woods with a new musical in L.A. that I haven't signed anything for so I won't announce it just yet. I am a full-time director. A pay-my-bills-doing-theatre director.

4) I have had awesome rare visits from some dear ones this summer: Christine, Benji, Sara PW, Wanda and Suz all came up to Lake Superior to see me. It was lovely. Each visit never passed the 3 hour mark and they all understood why I only had a little bit of time to spend, but the fact that they all made the effort was pretty damn touching.

5) I am not the gypsy I once thought I was. 3 months living out of a van is one thing, but more than that or not knowing where I land in September, does not sit well in this Bohemian heart. I guess I DO need to nest a little bit. Don't tell.

That's all for now!

And check out this perfect little boys for some eye candy!

Either/Or, Neither/Nor

When the official plan is New York in September, but opportunities arise in Minneapolis, is it a test from the Universe or a reimagining of what "dreams come true" looks like to you?

What I'm trying to say is, will I always regret it if I never make the big move to New York after 10 years of promising it to everyone I meet?

No no no no no, wait...what I'm really trying to say is, will I feel like I picked an idea over love and family when I live in New York?

No, that isn't it either. What I'm actually trying to say is, I don't know what to do.

That's probably the most honest thing I've said all night.

Dropping the Pa-pa-pa-Poker Face...

In the last 5 weeks, I have begun to notice my complete absense of filter. It's gone.

Like seriously gone. I pretty much say what I'm thinking. At all times. And I pretty much go full throttle into any smudge of a feeling that begins to bubble within. Like a little girl in a white dress running down a grassy hill, arms thrown back behind her, body going faster than her little legs can compete with, inevitable tumbles and grass stains moments away, I have thrown myself into the land of the filterless.

The plus side to this, of course, is embracing freedom. The down side? All those feelings. They'll getcha, man.

So...Why did this happen? I mean, I got through writing a play and a thesis without a single tear. Sure, anxiety got me good back in January, but once the actual work began, there was only work. And it felt good.

Well, maybe not good, but right. It felt right. Or maybe safe? Not sure. But it did NOT feel like running down a hill, ready to faceplant but not caring because the wind was breathing for you.

Then it occured to me. I've been playing poker non-stop for the last 3 years. I have been in a fierce game of politics with The Method and because he held the keys and disapproved of emotionality, I stopped. Publicly, at least. I held my cards close and tried to out-maneuver him...I never fully succeeded but my effort was valiant. I played his game, that's for certain. Which, to be honest, irks the bohemian within me greatly.

And now I'm done playing. For now, at least, since I have a brief reprieve of having to convince people in power to believe in me and my projects. Right now, when all I'm doing is choreographing and teaching kids' camps and managing a tap company, there's no game to play and no reason to be anything but filterless.

Which is a new kind of freedom I've not let myself experience in a very long time.

Here's hoping the grass stains wash out when the fall happens.

In Providence OR My first post-MFA post

I sit here in my friend's living room at the first rehearsal of the Fringe show I am directing this summer... It's a new musical that needs a lot of workshopping. I was approached to direct it because apparently my reputation is being a "New Play" director. Can't complain with that one.

It's a new theatre company, Populus Theatre, that is producing it. They are finding their way as they go. They have handed me a lot control, "trusting my education." Frightening, right?

Not really. It's quite lovely. They let me choose the musical director so I called my favorite musician and heart child, Eric, who wrote the music to Abiyoyo. We both sport the word, "Cocolee"on our left arms. We are also the only people in the world who can explain it. It's good to be back with him and frankly, because he's been lost, it's good just to have him back.

Then I cast it. So in front of Eric sits two of my dear ones, Coco and Jessica, Virgin Territory survivors and constant muses to me. Next to them is Alex, a friend from Duluth, who along with her husband, Patrick, transformed from school friend to family somewhere along the way without noticing the change. The final two actors are Max and Sheena, two kids who I used to watch in St. Cloud years ago but never had a chance to work with--when they showed up at auditions with impressive resumes and comic timing, I took the opportunity to cast them.

Across from me on the floor is the Production Stage Manager, Carissa, a girl who calmed me down every night during my last show at UMD when the director pissed me off so royally daily, I got lost in rages. She has seen me at my most high maintenance and still signed on to be my right hand.

We are begging, borrowing and stealing to find rehearsal space, cover technical needs and raise money for marketing. There are no guarantees on any of it. For the publicity shots, the producers bought some fabric and I started wrapping, twisting and tying it on them until something looked good. Took some shots, photoshopped it in a MacBook and sent it for our official "Show Image." The company is new and this is the premiere show. I taught them how to read a light plot. I made a teeny-tiny production budget for the show. In the span of one meeting, I had used every design class I took.

Meanwhile, I have been working with another new company lately--a ridiculously exciting tap & live music company who wants me to continue on with them. (www.rhythmiccircus.com) They booked a 40 city national tour with their booking agent and the grant I wrote for them this spring was approved for a state tour for community outreach. They want me to clean up their show and their company. And while I don't know exactly what I am doing, I know how to figure it out or who to contact who WILL know how to do everything. But no guarantees.

We're working without a net. No Papa Hustoles to save me or tell me how to do something better. No professors to get indignant at for whatever reason. No peers to compare work with, trying to get on top. We are just trying to make some theatre with good people.

And I like it.

What I'm trying to say is, I graduated exactly 4 weeks ago and I have use every inch of my degree every single day.

It was all worth it.